May 12, 2006

100 Things

I�ve been at this diary deal for a little while now, so I figured I�d do the whole �100 Things about Me� Whoseewhatsit, in case anyone cares. Not that more than a handful of people read this thing, but whatever � there�s nothing wrong with a little narcissism on a fine Friday afternoon.

  1. When I was between the ages of 13 and 18, I looked like the love child of Joan Cusack�s character in �Sixteen Candles� and Weinerdog. I had a massive overbite, braces, incredibly thick glasses, and a back brace. I was also in segregated, academically-accelerated classes, which didn�t help matters socially.
  2. In fact, after he saw �Welcome to the Dollhouse,� my brother called to tell me, �Wow, [Meta], you were really good in that.� The resemblance is uncanny.
  3. I still have glasses and contact lenses. They don�t make contact lenses strong enough for me, so I have to double up. If I wore just my full-strength glasses, I wouldn�t have the neck strength to hold my head up.
  4. The back brace, however, was replaced by two titanium rods screwed to my spine and an AWESOME scar the entire length of my back. I wore a strapless wedding gown (and no veil) just to show it off at my wedding.
  5. My husband wants to name our firstborn son �Amazing Larry.� No joke.
  6. Not gonna happen.
  7. I�m the youngest of five kids, and even though I�m almost 31, my family still refers to me as �the baby.�
  8. My family doesn�t really know me at all. They have no idea who I am. I do a lot of pretending around them just to avoid major conflict. I don�t lie � I�m just kind of� polite. Even with the mask I wear, they still think I�m a freak. If they only knew.
  9. I can�t think of a single fruit or vegetable I don�t like.
  10. When I was 19 years old, my friend and I got it in our stupid heads that we wanted to move to San Francisco � so we packed all of our belongings in a 16-foot U-Haul truck and drove to California from Rhode Island. Within hours of our arrival in San Francisco, everything we owned was stolen out of the truck.
  11. I still wanted to make a go of it, but my friend wanted to run home. I tried to make it in San Francisco by myself, but I had no where to stay, no job, and no stuff. I had to use the last of my money to fly home.
  12. I make a mean blueberry buckle.
  13. And an excellent cranberry coffee cake.
  14. The only man for whom I would ever leave my husband is Special Agent Dale Cooper. Sadly (or thankfully, I guess) he is not real.
  15. Oh, but I also attended a Red Sox game holding a homemade sign that said, �I�d leave my husband for Remy,� so I guess there�s Jerry too.
  16. When I was in 5th grade, I sang the solo in my elementary school�s annual Spring Fling. This was the first time a 6th grader didn�t get to sing the solo. The chick who thought she was going to get the part followed me home from school and tried to break into my house to beat me up. I got grounded because when my mom got home the sliding glass door to the back deck was filthy � you know, where someone tried to BREAK THE DOOR DOWN SO SHE COULD BEAT ME UP.
  17. My best friend, JB, is the guy I dumped three days before I started dating my husband. I also called him after my first date with CD to gush about how awesome CD was and how I thought I loved him and isn�t that just fantastic? JB was like, �I guess we�re not getting back together.� Gah, what a bitch I was! I didn�t mean it; I was just oblivious.
  18. My first job � other than babysitting � was in a bakery making frosting flowers for the cakes. I did this until I was tall enough to see over the counter - I had to wait until I was almost 16 years old. I�m kind of tiny.
  19. I have a serious Blistex addiction.
  20. I won my state�s Young Author contest when I was in first grade. I wrote a first-person account of a tadpole becoming a frog. I�m thinking I probably had some help.
  21. I used to eat lemons every day, but I wore away the enamel on my front teeth and I had to stop. My dentist accused me of being bulimic.
  22. I do pretty good impersonations of people I know. When I was 16 years old and working with my friend in my brother-in-law�s bakery, I was impersonating the idiot customers, and I made my friend laugh so hard she peed her pants. I had to mop the floor, and her mom brought her new pants.
  23. I was obsessed with Joey Ramone when I was in third grade. I thought he was the most beautiful man alive. My brother went to see The Ramones at The Living Room in Providence one night, and I gave him my third grade picture to take with him. I told him to show it to Joey and ask him if he would marry me when I grew up. The next day, when I asked him about it, my brother told me that Joey had said yes. Until a few years ago, I honestly believed that my brother was telling me the truth (stupid, I know, but I was in LOOOVE). I wanted to murder my brother when I found out that he had never even shown Joey the picture.
  24. I used to manage a movie theater, and I found my ex-boyfriend and my best friend�s ex-boyfriend making out in one of the theaters.
  25. No one really likes to watch �Showgirls� with me, because I have every line memorized, and I insist on reciting every word as I watch.
  26. With the exception of �Showgirls,� I expect total silence when I�m watching a movie. This is why I see so few movies in public. I often want to brain the dolts who go to a theater and think they�re in their living rooms with the yapping and the cell phones and the crying children.
  27. I had a subscription to MAD magazine from ages 8 through 18.
  28. I am a two-drink drunk.
  29. When we were 11 years old, my friend and I were left alone to baby-sit her 7 year-old brother. It was the first time we were left with such great responsibility. We tied him to a chair and played with all his toys and ate ice cream in front of him. When my friend�s parents got home, her brother snitched on us, but they grounded him for lying. My friend and I each got paid 5 bucks.
  30. I had a poster of Billy Idol in my room in when I was 12, and I used to kiss it every night before getting in bed.
  31. When I was in elementary school, I used to think that the world kind of �turned off� when I left the room � like, everything would go dark when I wasn�t there. I thought that the whole world was a giant conspiracy and all the people in my life were actors pretending to be my family and friends, and that they were actually aliens or hideous monsters wearing �people masks.� I kept waiting for someone to slip up and give away the whole master plan. I don�t really remember when I stopped believing this.
  32. If given a choice of candy flavors, I will always choose �red.�
  33. One of the first things I ever said to my husband was, �What would you do if I jumped up, spun around, and kicked you in the teeth? Would you hit me, or would you be really impressed?� I thought he would be charmed; he just thought I was weird.
  34. About 7 years ago, my husband (then my boyfriend) and I took a cross-country camping trip through 38 states in a 1986 Monte Carlo. The passenger-side door was so rusted that you could put stuff in it from the outside. It was too big for me to drive; I couldn�t see over the steering wheel. We were gone for 3 months and only spent about $2,000. We saw the world�s largest ball of twine (among other things).
  35. My father shares his first name with the actor who played Tattoo on Fantasy Island.
  36. I have 8 nephews and 3 nieces. I love those little shits, but I hate having to buy them all Christmas presents.
  37. When I was away at college, my mother found my ex-boyfriend in my bedroom, sniffing my sheets.
  38. I have an unnatural obsession with Batman (the comic book and animated series version, not the Batman from the stupid fucking movies).
  39. I don�t think I would want to live in a world without cheese.
  40. I�ve been addicted to caffeine since the age of 14.
  41. I love to read out loud to CD, particularly when we�re driving. He�s the only boy I�ve ever read to. I�ve read the whole Harry Potter series to him, among lots of other stuff. He digs it.
  42. I can�t read To Kill a Mockingbird without crying like a bitch. You know, when Scout is all, �Hey, Boo.� C�mon. You know. I lose it. I can�t go on. I�ve read it 8 gazillion times and I can never get past that page without taking a little break.
  43. But that�s not saying much, because I also cry at the end of The Goonies.
  44. And when Dawn came back for Tim.
  45. I�m a cryer. I�m sensitive. Sue me.
  46. I played the drums (badly) in high school.
  47. One of my dreams is to own a home with some woods in the back where I can have a little hidden bench just for reading during the summer � just me and my book and a drink, where no one can find me. I�ve had this dream since I was about 6 years old.
  48. I just don�t think it would be possible for me to marry someone who loved the Yankees. I don�t understand how these Sox fan/Yankee fan marriages work. It makes zero sense to me.
  49. I eat. A lot. Mr. Meta finds it amusing that I will consume huge quantities of food and manage to whine that I�m hungry an hour later.
  50. In a perfect world, I would own a bakery/coffee shop, and the shop would have a little reading/knitting room for people to hang and eat and drink and knit and read and laugh. I would wear an apron and have flour all over my face all day, and I would be HAPPY.
  51. I love goats. I really want one, and I want to learn to make goat cheese.
  52. I don�t know what color my eyes are. Some say blue, others say green. It depends on what I�m wearing. If I�m naked, I believe they�re green, but I could be wrong. It seems to be a matter of opinion.
  53. My grandfather (P�p�re) was hands-down the best person I ever knew. I�m sure he�s the best person I�ll ever know. I was scared of a hornets� nest in our yard when I was a kid, and he grabbed it with his bare hands, threw it on the ground, and stomped on it until all the hornets were dead. I thought he was immortal.
  54. I was raised Catholic, but I�m definitely not anymore. My husband wasn�t raised with any particular religion, and he was never baptized, so my mother is always threatening to baptize him in the sink without his consent. She seriously thinks he�s going to burn in hell.
  55. My sister�s husband is a total macho, Hummer-driving, animal-hunting, camo-wearing lunkhead, and he used to work for Hasbro. They actually created a G.I. Joe that looks just like him. It always freaks me out to see their kids playing with it and taking its clothes off. Of course, they�re not allowed to refer to it as a �doll.� It�s an �action figure,� man!
  56. I am the only one of my siblings who doesn�t have a cleaning lady (woman? person?). I don�t really know what that says about me (or them).
  57. I have tiny little hands, like a ten year-old�s.
  58. My husband and I were married by my friend Julie, who was ordained online (�Click here � Ordain me now!�). We�ve been friends since the third grade. She�s probably the hottest person I actually know, and every guy at my wedding hit on her.
  59. I have two cats. One weighs 27 pounds. The other weighs 8 pounds and has no front claws (she used to belong to my husband�s parents � we didn�t get her de-clawed). Would you like to guess which one absolutely terrorizes the other?
  60. My mother's boyfriend is my sister's husband's father. So if she marries this winner, my sister and her husband will become step-siblings.
  61. If I had to pick one type of cuisine to eat for the rest of my life, I'd have to go with Indian.
  62. I never thought I would get married. When I met CD, I told him that he'd better not think he would ever marry me because I wasn't interested. Now I think it's the best thing I ever did. I never, ever regret it. I fucking love that fool who married me.
  63. My mother told me that she cried for the first five months she was pregnant with me (because who wants a fifth kid), then she figured, "Oh, well - what can you do?" and by the time I was born she "learned to love me." She thinks this is a beautiful story about motherly love.
  64. I'm really good at air hockey, and I get really competitive. CD and I scare young children in arcades 'cause we get all sweaty and swear at each other when we play.
  65. I wasn't allowed to drink soda or eat any junk food as a kid. I thought other kids were so lucky because their parents would let them eat Lucky Charms for breakfast.
  66. CD seems to think that the no-junk-food rule was a form of childhood abuse, and he has introduced me to Little Debbie Oatmeal Pies (blech), Kentucky Fried Chicken (had it for the first and only time last year, and loved it - I think it's best to stay away), and Taco Bell (also had it only once, and fail to see the appeal).
  67. But I do love Utz Salt & Vinegar potato chips. And Coke. And chocolate. And french fries. And Dairy Queen Blizzards. Sorry, Mom.
  68. I didn't realize what a strong Rhode Island accent I used to have until I recently watched my sister's wedding video. I was 12 years old in the video, and I did a reading during her church ceremony. CD will not stop making fun of the way I said, "The Lawd Ah Gahd." Where did that accent go? My mom and sister still have it.
  69. The night the Red Sox won the World Series, CD and I went to see my visit my P�p�re's grave, and CD gave Pep his Sox cap. We told him the bums finally won, and that he really would have liked the team because they were long-haired hooligans. We went home and called my brother to tell him we visited Pep to give him the good news (and a hat), and my brother got really quiet, then just started getting choked up and had trouble talking. If you're not from New England, this probably seems insane to you.
  70. My hair has been green, purple, blue, black, red, orange, brown, and blonde. It's been super long and pixie-short. I tend to get bored and make drastic changes.
  71. I've also been getting grey hair since I was about 16. Lately it's threatening to take over.
  72. Sometimes I can't stop reading. I read while I brush my teeth, I read while I get ready in the morning (I prop my book open with a lotion bottle or Kleenex box), I read while I make breakfast. When I was a kid, my mom would yell at me because I would try to ride my bike and read at the same time. I'm always telling myself, "Just one more chapter..."
  73. I'm always cold. As in, my fingertips and toes actually turn purple when it is below 70 degrees in the house.
  74. At 5'1", I am the shortest person in my family - and I'm actually 2 inches taller than I was before I had my funky metal-rods-attached-to-my-spine surgery.
  75. Those rods are supposed to set off the metal detectors at airports, by the way.
  76. But they never have. Not once.
  77. CD and I went to Venezuela about 8 years ago. We rented a little canoe and paddled out into the Carribbean. The boat sprung a leak and we sunk like stones. This sweet guy and his daughter paddled over to us to help us out, and we ended up capsizing their little boat as well. We all had to be rescued. It was humiliating but funny.
  78. On that same trip, I used 38 SPF sunblock, but I still burned to a fine crispy red mess. My natural skin color is that of school paste, so there was really no avoiding it.
  79. I'm incredibly jealous of great writers.
  80. And great musicians.
  81. And singers.
  82. And definitely artists. I can�t draw or paint or sculpt for shit.
  83. I was this close to going to law school. The best thing I ever did was to work in a firm first to make sure it was what I wanted to do. I'm so glad I didn't waste the time and money.
  84. In the eighth grade, I won an essay contest that was held for my town's 75th anniversary; the essay was "Why I Love [Name of My Hometown]." The essay was printed in the local newspaper, and when my grandfather read it, he laughed and said he was so proud that I was growing up to be a bullshitter like him. Heh.
  85. OK, so I know Bruce Willis is a lunkhead now and he totally sucks, but I still have a little bit of a crush on him because, you know, he was David Addison.
  86. I hate passive-aggressive people. I'd rather have someone yell at me than to have them play fucking games. I hate manipulative people and martyrs. Hi, Ma!
  87. I also hate arrogant or self-centered people.
  88. And, of course, I hate racists and homophobes and misogynists. I hate the willfully ignorant.
  89. But I love dorks. And nerds. I have a soft spot for geeks, too.
  90. And funny goes a looooong way
  91. I cringe a bit inside when people say "ATM machine" or "PIN number."
  92. I also shudder when I hear "excape" or "axed," as in "axed a question."
  93. You've probably noticed this, but I love the word FUCK!
  94. Spiders freak me the fuck out. Like, the idea of them.
  95. I have a lot of toys. I love Playmobil, and I also have a lot of Batman stuff. I used to have it all over the house, but with this last move, I decided to give the bulk of it to friends. I kept my favorites.
  96. I always had to play Tiny Tim in �A Christmas Carol� in Junior High because I was the smallest kid in my class.
  97. I can fit my fist in my mouth. Granted, I have tiny hands, but I also have a big mouth.
  98. I�m constantly singing little songs about the stuff I�m doing (cooking dinner, taking a shower, what have you). Usually, they rhyme, but not very well. These songs are sung loudly and with much pride. After an 8-hour car ride, CD usually wants to throttle me.
  99. I love school. I love going to class, I love reading stuff I might otherwise never pick up, I love researching and writing papers, I love buying paper and binders and pens, and I love the stress. It�s a particular kind of stress that I truly enjoy. If I could afford to go to school forever, I totally would.
  100. I love making lists, outlines, and diagrams. I couldn�t live without them.


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metanephros at 5:29 pm

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