February 22, 2006

Enemy Egg

Mr. Meta and I like to joke that I am a walking calamity. My hands are covered in hangnails and papercuts, and I don't even work with paper that much anymore. I have bruises all over my body from smashing into random furniture and falling down for no reason. Sometimes I get huge bruises in hard-to-reach places, and I can't even remember how they got there. I often wonder if people think I make this shit up to cover for my abusive husband.

I did get some funny looks at work when I came in with a black eye and screwed up glasses. The problem was that I couldn't really explain to everyone what really happened, so they probably thought that my evasiveness was a sign that I was hiding my husband's penchant for using me as a punching bag.

The actual (and totally humiliating) story is that the Mister and I were watching the Red Sox, and during a commerical, I had the brilliant idea that I would flash my boobs at him and run from the room. I...don't know. So I flash him...and I turn to run...and I run full-speed into the french doors...like, head-on. And I swerve to the right and fall STRAIGHT onto the floor, and my glasses fly across the room. And Mr. Meta? After a slight beat? Cracks UP. Nice. Can't blame him, really. He was trying to see if I was OK and was checking out my face and was trying to make "awww poor baby" faces, but his attempts at holding back laughter were coming out through his nose (and onto my shirt).

So the Mister couldn't have been too surprised last night when I told him he had five guesses as to what I cut my lip on yesterday; and yes, I told him it was indeed food. He guessed bread (believe me, I could manage), cereal, oatmeal, and some other shit I can't remember. The answer, however, was a fucking fried egg. Could I be unique in this? Could anyone in the history of...ever...have cut his or her lip on an egg? And is this my "thing"...humiliating injuries and attacks by my breakfast food?

I now have a horrible fear that I'm going to die in a completely degrading and embarrassing fashion. My death will be on Oddly Enough News or some shit. At least Mr. Meta will probably get a kick out of it.

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metanephros at 5:35 pm

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