March 28, 2006

I Made a Decision - Now What?

So I've decided I'm definitely going to quit my job.

I guess the only reason I'm still working there is out of some misplaced sense of loyalty, which seems ridiculous considering the way I'm treated by those douchebags. I guess if I left I'd feel guilty, because when I decided to move to Virginia (due to CD's new job and the need to get FAR away from my mother) and I tried to resign, the Managing Partner told me that he would instead figure out a way for me to continue working for him. He spent a bunch of money getting me set up at home, and he told me that he wouldn't have done it for anyone else.

Now, four months later, is it irresponsible and rude to call it quits? Am I burning bridges I'm going to regret torching later? I dunno. I just know that I've been going to bed at 2am because I figure the sooner I go to sleep, the sooner I have to get up and go to work. I DREAD sitting at this desk every morning. I hate myself for allowing people to treat me the way they do.

The whole review thing is pissing me off only in part because I need the money - it's really about the fact that I work my (proverbial) balls off and get zero recognition. Nothing. I don't eat lunch most of the time, I work extra hours without getting paid overtime, I do other people's work, and what I get for it is "You are a good hard worker"? As a JOKE? Then you ignore my phone calls? FUCK. YOU.

OK, whatever. I'm quitting my job - but I need a new job first. Now I realize that part of the reason I didn't just start fresh with a new job when I moved to Virginia... is that I don't know what to do and it was just so much easier not to have to look for anything else. I mean, job-hunting sucks it, right?

I guess I'm scared. I'm at a point in my life (or past a point, really) where I need to quit with the "job" bullshit and start concentrating on what I really want to "do." I guess I'm afraid of commitment, though. I'm afraid of spending more money on another degree I can't afford and I'm not going to use. I'm afraid of actually committing to something and hating that, too. Blarch.

Well, I'm qualified for a bunch of shit I don't want to do. I'm scanning Monster and Hotjobs and craigslist with no particular objective in mind except to escape my present situation. I need some clarity!

There are a couple of careers I've been thinking about; one would be wonderful but risky and could possibly ruin me. One would require a couple more years of school and some more debt (and I'd still need to work full time while I went to school). It would allow me to get a "real" job, and I'd probably enjoy it, but I wouldn't be my own boss, and it would be less of a "dream" job.

Who knows? Fuck it... maybe I should just be like everyone else around here and pop out like 500 kids and marry some jerkoff real estate developer and spend all day consuming and being oblivious to the rest of the world. Those people seem really happy in a completely sincere way, right?

|

metanephros at 10:12 am

previous | next