April 05, 2006

Dear Asshole

Dear Every Single Person at Work:

  1. My spelling and grammar are not always perfect, but I think most of the time you get the gist of what I'm trying to say. Please stop sending me email messages like: "Made spradick pmt please call" or "client need PS did not form pmt." I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO SAY. I know I'm no genius, but how the fuck did you get and keep a job?

  2. Stop being passive-aggressive with your infuriating email messages, and just tell me what you want. Stop hinting around - you want me to work through my lunch, you want me to do even more of your work, and you think working 50 hours a week just isn't enough. Just say it. Ask me directly so that I can tell you to shove it directly up your ass instead of just ignoring you.

  3. Stop saying things like, "I think I'll work late tonight," or "I'm going to help you with that project," when what you actually mean is "I'm leaving 2 hours early" and "You're on your own with this project AND I'm giving you one of mine." We all know that you're not going to follow through, so why do you even say it? And it's EVERY DAY. Don't you know by now that when you say you're going to stay late it triggers my involuntary eye-rolling mechanism?

  4. I don't care which contestant you like on American Idol. I don't care how much you loved that "wicked funny" Larry the Cable Guy movie. I do not want to hear about your stupid kid and how his friend refuses to take a shower and doesn't his mother know any better and he's smelling up your house and you refuse to give him any more of your food because what is this, a soup kitchen? I'm not even in the office anymore; don't CALL me to tell me this bullshit! I know none of you like to read and the "liberry" can't hold a candle to your Xbox, but I am not your target audience for this shit, and one of these days I am going to become INCAPABLE of being polite about it.

  5. I've realized that in this metro area, I can make as much money answering phones as I do now - and my current job involves a whole lot of stress and periodic crying jags. It's sad to know how little I'm paid for the crap I do (which is why I'm writing in this thing right now instead of working; it's a coping mechanism).

  6. I realize your home life may be difficult, and you may hate your job as much as I hate mine... but don't snap at me. Don't ignore me when I have important work issues to discuss. Don't act like a bully and talk down to me just to make yourself feel important. Quit acting like a gigantic, fat baby and grow up. And pull up your pants. You are an attorney; can't you afford suits that fit?

  7. Be proactive. Stop waiting for things to fall apart before you start thinking of solutions. If people come to you with potential problems, stop blowing them off. Quit creating drama just so you can yell at people.

  8. This is not an exhaustive list. My hate for all of you burns beyond what any numbered list can hold.

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metanephros at 10:59 am

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