Oh, happy Meat. Oh, happy Soul. Oh, happy Rabo Karabekian.

May 24, 2006

Help!

Dear Diarylanders,

I have a problem, and I�m asking for your advice. I�m not too proud to beg for your commenty love.

I was screwing around on am@zon a few months ago, adding more books to my already substantial wish list, when I came across a collection of short stories by some kid with whom I graduated high school. Now, most of the kids in my high school were racist, provincial fucktards who were more concerned with procuring the money for their next pair of Cavariccis then they were with, you know, words and stuff, so I was quite surprised to see this book. I googled this guy�s name, and sure enough � the author of this fine book was the same guy who once asked me if using a tampon is just an excuse for girls to masturbate.

I read through his little site, and he actually seemed like a pretty cool guy. I suppose people can � and must � change in 12 years. I was bored and curious, so I emailed him. I was all, �I used to look like Weinerdog, remember me?�

He wrote back, and he actually had good stuff to say. He totally distanced himself from the crappy behavior he had exhibited in school, and he seemed to have made a nice little life for himself. I figured I would buy his book � and support a little independent press � and kind of give him a tiny boost in his pursuit to be a Great Writer. He wrote, �Thanks for your support. Let me know what you think.�

Oh, boy. Wow. I have read some crap in my life, but wow. It�s vulgar just to be vulgar (and I don�t have an aversion to vulgarity, fer sure). It�s trying so hard. It�s just AWFUL. Every single story is a pointless, steaming pile of shit. I felt embarrassed for the writer as I read it.

I�ve tried to find something nice to say (�I really like the� font�) but I�m coming up short. I don�t know what to do. Here are my options, as I see them:

Don�t write back to him. I haven�t seen the guy in 12 years, I was never really friends with him, I�m not a literary critic, I don�t know jack about shit, and he only casually invited my criticism.

Lie. I wouldn�t go overboard or get into any details, but I could tell him that I liked the book and that I think he�ll be successful. Or something.

Tell the truth, but gently. Tell him that the book is not my personal cup of tea, but maybe it�s just me. What do I know? Maybe this particular genre (crap) just isn�t what I normally read. Tell him the cover has a pretty picture on it.

Tell the truth, without holding back. Tell him: his puerile attempt at humor; his failure to grasp any semblance of nuance or elegance in his writing; his inability to develop his characters (actually, I don�t think this was even attempted); and his failure to include any resolution, journey, or even a point to any of his "stories" - all joined forces to created an unmitigated piece of poo.

But again, what do I know? I'm not a writer, and I'm only a critic in my living room.

Help me. What does this guy really want to know? Does he want the truth, or does he want to be encouraged at all costs? He's had some good reviews on am@zon, but most of the words in said reviews are misspelled, so that should give him a clue, right?

Your advice would be appreciated.

With much love and angst,

May 24, 2006

Help!

Navigation

Distractions

Favorite Diarylanders

Credits