July 06, 2006

Drink to My Homecoming

We�re going �home� to Rhode Island this weekend for yet another wedding � but this time CD gets to actually perform the ceremony. He�s getting to be THE go-to guy for the weddings of non-believers.

In order to avoid a huge fight, we agreed to stay with my sister for this trip � along with her FOUR kids and her Hummer-driving, deer-hunting, woman-hating husband. She�s also having a �get-together� of my family members � with, I am sure, music and food that is appalling. I think the only way to cope is to make a drinking game of this whole experience. I need to:

Drink every time my mother hints that I should lose weight or tells me some far-fetched remedy to clear up my skin.

Drink every time my sister tells me that every problem I have can be solved if I get pregnant.

Drink every time my brother-in-law makes some reference to my husband being a pussy because he cooks, does dishes, etc.

Drink every time my smart, shy, sweet and artistic nephew is told to shut up or go to his room.

Drink every time my spoiled asshole nephew is given something shiny he�s been screaming for.

Drink every time my brother-in-law asks if CD wants to ride in the Hummer, as if the only reason an American man wouldn�t have one is that he just can�t afford it.

Drink every time my 6 year-old niece refers to herself as �sexy.�

Drink every time my sister gets yelled at for not having dinner on the table fast enough.

Drink every time someone in my family refers to me as �weird,� or tells me that I�m �being dramatic� when they piss me off.

Drink every time someone tells a racist joke or calls someone a fag.

Drink when my mother says, �Is that what you�re actually wearing to the wedding?�

Drink heavily to wash down my sister�s microwaved meals.

Drink every time my father yells at me for not calling him enough, as if his phone blocks outgoing calls.

Chug when my mother finally loses the passive-aggressive pretensions and just calls me fat.

Perhaps I should just drink on the plane and pass out when we get to my sister's - then I won't have to deal with any of this bullshit.

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metanephros at 4:46 pm

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